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It's The Day Before Couple's Therapy


2 minutes

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It’s the day before couple’s therapy & I need a haircut. The first haircut I want is one that will make me taller. I want a haircut that makes me look rich but not entitled. I want a haircut that reminds everyone of the color red but isn’t red. I want a haircut that makes my wife stop wanting to have an affair. I want my hair curled: straight. Actually, I just want it longer. Give me a haircut with a strong oaken finish. No, one that’s party in the front but business in the back. I want a haircut that’s a single child but never gets lonely. I want photographic evidence of your brother’s 80’s perm. I want a haircut that’s politically correct. Can you take a little off the insides? I want a haircut that makes the voices stop. I want a haircut like a brick. house. One that tastes like tequila & will hold my hair back. I want a haircut that keeps the lashes out of my eyes. & will write me tramadol prescriptions. I want a haircut that’s nothing like online dating. I want a haircut that’s noise cancelling. Except for the swish of my sideburns. I want a haircut that just makes sense. I want a haircut that’s $8.99 after tax. One that doubles as a mustache. I want a haircut that gives me something to believe in. I want a haircut that will hold me at night. One that won’t judge me. I want a haircut that frames your face. I’m a reasonable person, but I have to draw the line somewhere: I’m drawing it at bangs. I want a haircut that wants fries with that. I want a haircut that always matches my socks. One that remembers my birthday but forgets that I’m turning forty. I want a haircut that makes you forget my maternal clock. I want a haircut that wishes for world peace but one that would settle.

Heather Lang's writing has been published by The Normal School, Pleiades, and Whiskey Island, among others. She serves as World Literature Editor with The Literary Review.

This story is published in partnership with Paper Darts Magazine, as a celebration of our joint effort to give the literary world a makeover, one short story at a time. 

Published on November 7, 2017.